new years

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13-14

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Soapbox

I'd just like to take this opportunity to get up on my soapbox and say:

Stop looking for your future husband everywhere you go. He's probably not in your history class or sitting across from you in the library or the cute barista at the coffee shop. Stop worrying. Just because a man does not desire you does not mean that you are undesirable.

The Lord is not a matchmaker - He does not owe you a husband. Stop using Him as a stepping stone to your idols.

K, bi.

Semester's end//winter comforts.

All Your ways are true,

You fail me not.

You're faithful to me.

- sisterbrother, Faithful

The Unseen Presence in the Basement

I heard a cry from the basement.

"Wuhbekuh! Where are you?"

"Hang on, baby, I'm just getting lunch ready."

"But it's really dark down here!" (Nevermind the light was on and the window was open with a full noon sun beating through.)

I poked my head down the staircase. "Don't worry, I'm still here."

While this is a memory from my babysitting days, I find it to be a fitting illustration of my general life standing.

I've been in the "basement" for about a year now. You know, that place in life where you're doing something that you're pretty sure is on the right track, but you're wanting/needing to get further along? Some people call it a "rutt," I think.

I've been getting impatient with myself. Partly due to the fact that I genuinely am not entirely sure which way I want to go with my interests vs. desires, and that really freaks me out. The other half due to well-meaning adults thinking that I would actually know the answer to questions like "Where do you see yourself in five years", "Is your area of interest one you would feel financially secure in?", or "Do you plan on getting married and starting a family?" These legitimate concerns further exacerbate the first point of the problem, and land me back at square one.

I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing the answer to a basic history fact. I hate not knowing what is going on with people I care about. I hate when I'm standing in line at Panera and my indecisive brain goes off like a siren because I'm still not sure what I'm going to order even though the menu board is right in front of me. And I especially hate not knowing what I'm going to wind up doing in the future.

Yet, herein lies the gem. Only in recent months have I come to discover one of the world's best kept secrets: it's okay to not know.

Dear Me: it's okay to not know.

Because in this not knowing, this pit, this rutt - the Almighty is at work. Just because cymbals aren't crashing doesn't mean He's not gently molding and probing and creating. Just because I can't see Him doesn't mean He isn't there.

And so I'm learning to sit still. To gaze on His face and let the worries grow dim. When the anxiety comes like a restless wave, memories of His goodness and faithfulness reassure me of His Presence. He is holy, and He is here.

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed."

~ John 20:29 ~

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The Passion of the Prayer

During a time of prayer and meditation, these parallels between the Passion narratives and the prayer of Our Lord came to mind.  From a spiritual perspective, it is clear that the life of Jesus in its final hours embodied the very answer to the prayer He taught us.

Our Father who art in Heaven

"Jesus spoke these words, lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said: 'Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You…’" – John 17:1

Hallowed be Thy Name

“I have manifested Your Name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your Word.” – John 17:6

Thy Kingdom come

“For I say to you, I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.” – Luke 22:18

"Now a vessel full of sour wine was sitting there; and they filled a sponge with sour wind, put it on hyssop, and put it to His mouth. So when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, 'It is finished!' And bowing His head, He gave up His spirit." – John 19:29-30

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven

"He went a little farther, and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, 'O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.'" – Matthew 26:39

Give us this day our daily bread

"And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to them and said, 'Take, eat; this is My body.'” – Mark 14:22

And forgive us our trespasses

"Then He took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, 'Drink from it, all of you. For this is My blood of the new covenant, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.'" - Matthew 26:27-28

As we forgive those who trespass against us

"And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left.  Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.'” - Luke 23:33-34

And lead us not into temptation

"Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, 'What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'" - Matthew 26: 40-41

But deliver us from evil

"'When I was with you daily in the temple, you did not try to seize Me. But this is your hour, and the power of darkness.'"  – Luke 22:53

For Thine is the Kingdom…   

"Jesus answered, 'My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, My servants would fight, so that I should not be delivered to the Jews; but now My kingdom is not from here.'” – John 18:36

and the Power…

"Then Pilate said to Him, 'Are You not speaking to me? Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?' Jesus answered, 'You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above.'" – John 19:10-11

and the Glory forever.

"But Jesus kept silent. And the high priest answered and said to Him, 'I put You under oath by the living God: Tell us if You are the Christ, the Son of God!' Jesus said to him, 'It is as you said. Nevertheless, I say to you, hereafter you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Power, and coming on the clouds of heaven.'" – Matthew 26:63-64

Amen.

20 Things I've Managed to Learn Before Turning 20

1. Never do things halfway. Whether it's a night out with friends or writing a term paper, give all of yourself.

2. People don't have much tolerance for this, but it really is okay to not know. 

3. Never tell a person they look tired.

4. You have every right to cut off a toxic relationship. Friends don't tear down, they build up.

5. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be a part of life.

6. If you offer to help someone, follow through.

7. Be kind to people who work in retail and food service.

8. Stop saying "But what if I am not able to?" and give yourself a chance.

9. Don't fall into that idea that your first love has to be your best. You could fall in love three times and still not find the right one, but none of it is going to make "the one" matter less.

10. Let someone know you're not interested, both in relationships and to the telemarketer.

11. Firsts are going to be messy. First dates, first kiss, first failed test, first time you drive a car - first times were made to be imperfect.

12. Actually "hang out sometime."

13. Be a little more honest.

14. Get another scoop of ice cream.

15. Let yourself be alone, for just an hour or a couple years.

16. Don't get hung up over insensitive comments made by people who don't even know you.

17. Send more letters (not emails) and gifts.

18. Give more genuine complements.

19. Have more patience while waiting at stop lights.

20. Life is too short to not be alive, to not be passionate, and overflowing.

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Change

Hey folks.

When I originally started this blog almost four years ago, my focus was exploring what it meant to walk out biblical womanhood in a society that mocks upright living. I was a young girl at the time, and navigating a subject that I was still pretty naïve about probably wasn't the best of ideas, but it turns out that other young people, both girls and guys, are interested in such topics as dating, marriage, and other related what-have-you, and they decided to read. I'm thankful for you all.

Now, I am an adult woman. I've grown, experienced a lot more life, honed my opinions, become more open-minded, more educated. Through this growth, this miserly corner of the bloggersphere has become a little writing nook for me to jot down my thoughts. Introversion, spiritual ponderings, and humble honesty are what make the ink flow now. I'm not compelled to write about hemlines and housekeeping as I am of love and light.

With this change of focus, I decided to change the title of this blog to "exhale." (So not original, I wasn't really trying to be.) To exhale is to breathe out, relax, let go. Funny as it may sound, that is what writing is to me. I process, express, be through writing. I can't get any more real or authentic than I am with the written word. Whether it's posting a saint-written prayer that resonates with my soul or trying to make sense of my inward mumbo-jumbo, this blog is a curation of who I am in the moment.

The blog's address will still be the same, for now at least, partially because I'm too lazy to come up with a new url, partially because all the exhale-esque addresses are taken. But new name, new design, repurposed intent.

It's just me and Him, exploring life together, taking rabbit trails, and looking ahead to final Glory.

Love and Fear

I had a birthday a few months ago. Having a summer birthday keeps the middle of the year fresh. Gives you a chance to look back and see how much you've accomplished thus far while offering a rejuvenated sense of determination and inspiration to finish out the year strong.

I had a few new experiences this year. I got to take part in the congressional swearing-in ceremony at the state capitol. I went to my first opera. Started performing violin again. I got my driver's license. Developed a taste for coffee. I became a manager at my job. And much more, both good and bad.

At the beginning of this physical year, my fear of the future became the foundation to understanding the power of God's presence. My notion that fears only apply to the physical realm has been proven wrong as now, three months into this new year of life, He has placed me on the battleground to face my first real combat: the fear of love.

I've gone through my fair share with people and relationships for a while now. The main gist being, you love hard, you get screwed over. It's difficult for me to sincerely care about a person and people in general to begin with, but when that rarity happens, I put all I am into it. My heart is theirs to wrench, wring out, and repeat. And, except for three steady people in my life, that is exactly what has happened every single time I put myself out there for the sake of loving and caring.

Walls have since been raised.

It's odd, however. We think we're protecting ourselves from hurt by barricading ourselves from it, when the reality is, we must keep loving in order to heal.

Through this drawn-out season, He's been very gentle. He's given me a break when life hasn't. He's shown me that even though love and I aren't on very good terms at the moment, I am still worthy to receive all the Love in the world He has to offer. Not only am I learning how to love. I'm learning how to be loved.

So here I am. On the cusp of a new journey, one that I know is going to be hard and painful, but I have a good feeling about it. Vulnerability would seem to make a flimsy shield and trust is a sword I'm not too keen over. Yet, it is only in stripped-down frailty that strength is restored to a feeble-kneed soul. I am ready to be made whole. I am ready to relationship with truth and grace. Though human love may disappoint, I am ready to live from a heart of overflow that draws from the Source of Love itself.

"There is no fear in love;

but perfect love casts out fear."

~ 1 John 4:18a ~

Thankfully, I'm Sick Too

"As Jesus passed on from there, He saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax office. And He said to him, 'Follow Me.' So he arose and followed Him. Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, 'Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?' When Jesus heard that, He said to them, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. . . . For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.'"

~ Matthew 9:9-13 ~

When I would read the Scripture passage above, I used to think that Jesus didn't care about those who seemed to be "doing it right." He just liked the down-and-outters. But more recently, this verse has become such a grace to me as I continue to grapple with struggles, fight temptation, or adjust my attitude towards every-day inconveniences; while my soul is pressing heavenward, my flesh still lingers. I will not be truly good until I stand before the presence of my Savior, the place where sin is not a memory.

The reality of imperfection brings the joy of knowing His righteousness has been imputed to your soul at the cost of death and mercy. The pain of being broken invites His gentle hands to fix the pieces with the sealant of His abundant, whole life. The shame of soul-sickness comes with the knowledge that the Healer knows you just as you are, and furthermore, knows you as you will be.

I know I'm not fully whole or healed. But He's not finished with me yet.

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The Question of Calling over Career

Here's what a typical what-are-you-doing-in-college discussion with regular people goes like for me:

Person: "So, what are you studying?"
Me: "Oh, I'm a government major."
Person: "Oh, cool."
Me: "Yep."

Then there's that one special person who didn't seem to get the regular person memo.

Not-regular person: "So, what are you studying?"
Me: "Oh, I'm a government major."
Not-regular person: "Oh. Now, where do you see yourself fitting into that world, as a woman and all?"
Me: "..............." [but mentally I'm going, get a life, moron.]

In all seriousness, however, it is a question I have been wrestling with since I started in this direction. I plan on writing a post that directly answers my thoughts on women in government, but for now, consider this a taste of something that's been in my heart for a while.

Within the Christian arena, the question of appropriate workplaces and career options for men and women has been one of lively discussion. The general consensus states that men belong in the workplace, women belong in the home.

Now, I realize that's an extremely oversimplified statement; women are also welcome in other areas of life such as ministry and missions, the medical field, teaching, the arts, and much more. And before anyone comes at me with a pitchfork, I'll be the first to say that I will never disagree that a woman's place is the home, primarily when there's a husband and children involved. 

The problem I have with questions and statements that seek to relegate certain spheres of society and life to men and the others to women is that they completely miss the point of what Christian men and women should ultimately be seeking. The debate was never meant to be about if it's okay for a woman to work in Wall Street. Instead, the defining question of the Christian's life is whether she will live in continual sacrifice and surrender to the will of her Father, deeming His call and guidance, no matter how out-of-the-box it is, to be greater than a man-made list of "yes" and "no."

From the beginning of time, God has been in the business of turning peoples' worlds upside down. God has the best adventures out there for you. He's really fun, really exciting, and really excited for you and Him to do life together. But too often, our ideas of what we think is good for us, what we think we should do, what we think we shouldn't do, and our sometimes-faulty interpretation of His Word and direct words to us get in the way of experiencing everything He has in store.

I've been there and still am there in a way. I was the girl who grew up with the stay-at-home-daughter stuff my whole life and ended up freaking out when the Lord started pointing in a different direction that had nothing domestic to it. I've never wanted to be a career woman. I hope studying and working in something as big as government won't scare a guy off from falling in love with me. Yet, as much as I know this goes against every "good girl" stereotype, I also know that losing yourself to the leading, promptings, calling of God brings such peace, assurance, and new faith and hope in His promise that He will complete what He has begun. Right now and forever, my job is to follow Him wherever He leads, no matter how scary, intimidating, anti-what-I-thought-was-supposed-to-happen it is. He'll work out the rest of the kinks.

Maybe you don't have a desire to be in something big like politics or business. It could just be feeling a nudge to help out at the local shelter; getting a job some place other than the family business; traveling abroad; doing foster care or even adopting a kid even though marriage isn't in view yet; taking some classes at the community college; moving out; or getting some hands-on experience in a field you're interested in and setting up an internship. Or it could be the call to be single, whether for a season or for life. 

There are so many molds, so many ideals we as women hold ourselves to. I have seen so many girls struggle with where they know the Lord has called them to all for the sake of trying to fit a stereotype that they were never born to fill. I'm not here to bash any traditional thinking, nor do I have a desire to think for you; if you haven't already, you and God need to come to grips about this stuff together by yourselves.

Yet, I put to you, in the grand scheme of eternity, how now shall we live? As women of God, we are called to live in the fear of the One who has saved us, given us a hope and a future, who every day invites us to explore the vast expanse of the world and life hand-in-hand with Him. We can't fully do that if we are still trying to cling to every whim and notion of someone else's idea of how life should turn out. 

Drop the façades. Reject the invitation to the masquerade and seize the opportunity to live each day to the fullest with Abba as your Shepherd and Friend. He's a safe One to explore new territory with and He will take you on the greatest adventure possible, fulfilling every promise and every desire your heart has ever known.

Fullness

O God,

Thou has taught me that Christ has all fullness
and so all plenitude of the Spirit,
        that all fullness I lack in myself is in Him . . .
. . . that it is my duty, out of a sense of emptiness,
to go to Christ, possess, enjoy His fullness as mine,
as if I had it in myself, because it is for me in Him;
that when I do this I am full of the Spirit,
as a fish that has got from the shore to the sea and has all fullness of waters to move in,

For when faith fills me, then I am full. . . .

first faith, then fullness,
for this way makes me most empty,
and so most fit for the Spirit to fill.

Help me to delight more in what I receive from Christ,
          more in that fullness which is in Him,
the fountain of all His glory.

~ The Valley of Vision, "Fullness in Christ" ~

(Pinterest)

Privileges

Meditation of the morning:

"O Lord God,

Teach me to know that grace precedes,
accompanies, and follows my salvation,
that it sustains the redeemed soul,
that not one link of its chain can ever break.

From Calvary’s cross wave upon wave of grace
reaches me,
deals with my sin,
washes me clean,
renews my heart,
strengthens my will,
draws out my affection,
kindles a flame in my soul,
rules throughout my inner man,
consecrates my every thought, word, work,
teaches me Thy immeasurable love.

How great are my privileges in Christ Jesus!

Without Him I stand far off, a stranger, an outcast;
in Him I draw near and touch His kingly sceptre.

Without Him I dare not lift up my guilty eyes;
in Him I gaze upon my Father-God and Friend.

Without Him I hide my lips in trembling shame;
in Him I open my mouth in petition and praise.

Without Him all is wrath and consuming fire;
in Him is all love, and the repose of my soul.

Without Him is gaping hell below me, and eternal anguish;
in Him its gates are barred to me by His precious blood.

Without Him darkness spreads its horrors in front;
in Him an eternity of glory is my boundless horizon.

Without Him all within me is terror and dismay,
in Him every accusation is charmed into joy and peace.

Without Him all things external call for my condemnation;
in Him they minister to my comfort,
and are to be enjoyed with thanksgiving.

Praise be to Thee for grace,
and for the unspeakable gift of Jesus."

~ The Valley of Vision, "Privileges" ~

refresh

"The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever."

~ Psalm 23 ~

This poem never ceases to help me stop and rest.

Photo courtesy of Mountain Musing

Manifesto

I've never been a supporter of New Year's Resolutions. For no good reason, really; I'm just too much of a competitor against myself, that having a physical list of goals and desires for a year, that slip of paper seems to taunt me, setting me up for failure by default. 

Funny how a while back ago, I got this idea from The Art of Manliness. (Which may weird some people out considering I'm not a man. But that's okay; Weird and I are life-long chums.) I took it to heart, and my manifesto is something I do my best to live by. I fail, but I try. And honestly, life is not even about success. Life is about the trying. I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. I'm thinking of printing it out and tacking it above my dresser so I can see it every day because it's easy to forget. Anyways, this is who I desire to be and develop into as this new year unfolds.

Personal Manifesto:

I will put other above myself, knowing that greatness is found in service.

I will not refuse myself to be broken, whether it be under the conviction of my sin, or by the heaviness of pain and suffering found in the world. I will no longer keep my eyes closed.

I will not view myself as entitled to any good thing, but remember that each day is more than I deserve.

I will not speak ill of anyone out of senseless annoyance.

I will be kind rather than clever.

I will intentionally see the beauty all around me and I will praise its Creator.

I will use the talents God has given me to bless others and bring Him glory; I will not allow them to gather dust due to fear or apathy.

I will not make decisions designed to put myself in the spotlight.

I will surround myself with depth and wisdom in thought, through literature, museums, drama, music, films, and friends. I will not be trivialized by this culture.

I will not be deceived by the ideals of the world. I will not look for happiness in money, fame, men, opportunities to do what I love, or any of the desires of my heart of flesh. I will seek and do the will of God and remember that real happiness can only be found in the center thereof.

I will do all through the strength of Christ, knowing that I am too weak to win my battles alone, but that He has already won the war.

Photo courtesy: Of All Loveliness

2013 - With Me

These past several months I have been feeling weight. Struggle. Inadequacy. Fear. While nothing can deter my soul from it's calling, it is this same calling that produces a mental-emotional collision inside of me everyday. Put simply, I am constantly intimidated by what the Lord has placed in my heart. I've heard it said that when your destiny scares you, you're on the right track. For me, it only highlights my weaknesses, frailties, all the reasons why I can't and probably shouldn't be getting the muck of human suffering underneath my fingernails.

Coincidentally, I recently finished going through the books of Joshua and Judges for my personal devotions, two books that are filled to the brim of epic tales of the Israelites victoriously marching in the Promised Land, and of individuals who moved mightily to shake a nation's core into returning to God.

It's often easy to look at these people and be in awe of the strength they possessed, sizing them up for superhuman candidacy. In actuality, though, there's no such thing as "superhuman." So how did they accomplish such incredible acts? Take Jael, from Judges 4, for example. She killed an army's commander-in-chief by driving a tent peg through his skull. We already established that it was impossible for her to be superhuman; judging from the biblical account, I think it's safe to say that neither did she have rage issues or mental instability. She was just an ordinary wife, yet no "ordinary" woman is naturally inclined to do something so, pardon me, gross.

Herein lies the answer. Ever notice as you read through Joshua and Judges that phrases such as "The Lord was with them," "the Lord was on their side," or "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" occur pretty frequently? That is the answer. How did Israel slay an entire nation of 2,000 people in one day? Because the Lord was with them. How did Samson slay a thousand men with just a donkey's jawbone? Because God's Spirit was upon him. 

Many Christians will subconsciously acknowledge the Lord's presence. "God is with you," we say when we hear a friend is going through a rough time. It's used as a Christian feel-good term. And yes, the Lord's presence is comforting, it is peaceful. But it is powerful. You literally have the presence of the One who spoke the cosmos into existence with you constantly, 24/7. Yet so often, we are content to let it lay on the shelf, not exposing ourselves to it, not giving ourselves to it, not dedicating our lives to the pursuit of it.

With this Presence, Moses lifted his rod and the children of Israel crossed through the Red Sea. With this Comfort, Peter saw the disciple Tabitha raised to life. With this Peace, Jesus walked on water and calmed a storm. And with this Power, we have the promise of working greater wonders than Jesus Himself accomplished during His time on earth.

It's not the question of His presence that I doubt. It's His power. Will He come through in my moment of need? I'm like Gideon, continually laying out the fleece, asking for a sign that He is indeed with me. 

"But Lord, I'm the youngest in my family."

I am with you.

"But You know my speech is not good, and I am not even close to public eloquence."

I am with you.

"And if they kill me?" (My mind refuses to think small when I'm terrified.)

I am with you.

And this is my anthem as I walk into this new year. Not knowing what it will hold, the challenges, the opportunities, new experiences.

He is with me. He is with me. He is with me.

"Have I not commanded you? 

Be strong and of good courage; 

do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you 

wherever you go."

~ Joshua 1:9 ~

Photo: Of All Loveliness