Dear 2014,
You went by quickly. Everyone says that at the end of each year, but this was the first time I knew what it felt like.
I have to be honest, I won't miss you terribly. You were suffocating, stressful, confusing, and lonely. I had never cried so much before in my life till you came around. You taught me lessons that, in a perfect world, no one would have to learn. You kicked my butt, and seemed to enjoy it at times. You were, officially, the worst year of my 20 year old life.
But time outran and beat you.
Hello, 2015. You fresh, white, clean, beautiful new year. I made it. I'm here. Just a young woman who's tired of being tired. Hungry, but scared. A dreamer, but a control freak. A heart with such a capacity to love to loss so hard, it scares itself and backs away at the opportunity. I don't know what you got up your sleeve, but I think we're going to be friends.
Leaving the old behind . . .
1. I experienced darkness of the soul like never before at the beginning of 2014. After the torrent passed, my eyes were opened more clearly to see and truly feel the pain of others. It taught me to be a
listener rather than an answer or explanation, and showed me the beauty, tenacity, and strength of the human spirit.
2. I grew up in church my whole life, and consequently was taught that certain thoughts and feelings were sinful and to be left alone, avoided, stuffed down. I never really agreed with that, and last year I indulged myself with the freedom to think, feel, and live every human emotion in all it's color. All the ugly ones. Suicide. Hate. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Jealousy. Desire. I would rather be a Christian who allows herself to experience the muck of life completely and fully, but turns away, repents where needed, and seeks shelter under the Shadow with a whole heart, than one who denies out of fear that certain mindsets, emotional patterns, and mental disturbances are not relevant to the human experience in the name of religion, tradition, "well, they can snap out of it."
3. I started the weekly tradition of taking myself out somewhere I genuinely enjoy being. Local coffee shops and cafés, parks, used bookstores. It gives my brain room to breathe from the hum-drum of everyday life. I enjoy being by myself, and have learned more about my tastes and preferences regarding the most important things of life: food, literature, and the type of company I aspire to keep when invited out with others.
4. Saying no will not kill you. No to a toxic relationship, a job that makes you feel less than what you are, a community that tries to force you into a mold you don't fit into, to going out with friends because you really need a night to yourself. Life is too short to not take charge of it every now and then.
5. I found my "signature" beauty product brand and I feel like all those classic glamorous women of the golden age who always had their iconic product or perfume - Givenchy, Chanel, Esteé Lauder, Marc Jacobs. Except I'm poor, so I settle for Fresh products and Target-distributed body spray.
6. I discovered so much new, beautiful music. Next to writing, music is my second favorite medium of communicating to and with others. If you have access to my playlists, you have access to my life story and heart (naturally, there's only, like, three people who fit this category). Favorite artist I came across was, hands down, Broods. Synthy, solid beats with imaginative but relatable lyrics and beautiful melodies - this is 100%.
7. It's okay to make your own family. Sometimes the people who genuinely hear what you have to say and care for you aren't the ones you live with.
8. I took a year off college for all of 2014. It was not in the playbook, but it was exactly what I needed. I was able to focus on my heart and health, instead of schedules and deadlines and "the future." Probably one of the best decisions of my life.
9. I got to see both my out-of-state best friends in the same year. Didn't mind it one bit.
10. I went to Peru for the second time. The missions team was much smaller than my first trip, and it was the best week of my year. Every day, something happened that let me know I was exactly where I needed to be, whether it was in personal prayer, something a team member would say, or what the Lord did in ministry on the street that day. I had never felt so at home.
11. I started volunteering with a local anti-trafficking organization,
North Star Initiative. Their vision is to build the first rescue home in the Lancaster County region for women who have been used and abused, and restore them to their full physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual potential. I was able to network with others passionate about the same cause, attend informative events and conferences with the leadership, and even helped out with a photoshoot to publicize their t-shirts.
12. I figured out that part of being an adult is being confidant enough to not feel you have to explain yourself to everyone who asks about your life. You don't have to air your secrets and dreams to the first person who asks, partially because you need to keep some of them for yourself, and partially because that person probably doesn't really care, they're just nosey and bored.
13. At the same time, being an adult is knowing what parts of life are worth your opinion and comment than others. World issues, philosophical debates, theological divides, political stands - know what you believe, stay open-minded, but don't feel the need to answer every in-and-out of a discussion. It's okay to cause waves, to make people uncomfortable, and to genuinely not know what you think about certain things.
14. I decided I want to always be able to work for my life. Not just in the sense of earning a paycheck, but to know that I struggled with pain and came out on top. I didn't shy away from hard questions and decisions. I took risks. I earned the respect I received based on how I respected and loved those around me. I want to sink into my bed every night and feel the quiet glow of satisfaction that I did, in fact, fight for the day, made the most of every moment, intentionally chose to make my life my own. I hope to never settle into an entitled mindset, feeling like I deserve every good thing that comes my way. The only thing in life you will ever deserve is to love and be loved. Anything beyond that is what you make of it.
15. And through it all, He was good to me. My Lord, my Love, my God. He was faithful, truthful, comforting, gentle, my Rescuer, my Sustainer. He fought for me when I hadn't an ounce of strength left. He kept probing, creating, molding, breathing new life into my dry, cracked little heart. I do not lie when I say I would not be standing at the beginning of a new year, had it not been for the hope of Himself. His presence. His hand. He is good, he is faithful, and I am His and He is mine.
Here's to a fresh start. A new year filled with life, love, and Light.
