The Irreplaceable Beauty of Trial

[Disclaimer: This post is something I like to call a get-it-out-of-your-system post. Therefore, it is more personally related than anything. Though, while it may be random, rambly, muddled, and unclear, I pray someone will be blessed by it.]

This summer marks the three-year anniversary of our family moving to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

See, my family and I had been living in Oklahoma for about eight and a half years. I grew up there. The majority of my childhood memories are located there. It was where I "fit." The regional atmosphere and culture seemed to tailored especially to me. It was my home.

A little over three years ago, the Lord directed my parents to move back to Lancaster (my life has been lived between Pennsylvania and Oklahoma). We had family living around there. Some of our life-long friends were there. My parents' roots were there. My father decided that our time in Oklahoma had come to an end for reasons that perhaps I'll explain in a different post. So, we sold our house, packed up our bags, and headed East.

The first 4-5 months went by pretty smoothly. Once it hit 5 1/2 months, however, the move began to wear on me. Finding a church who's doctrine was Biblically sound; the job-hunt for my dad; various illnesses that set our family behind; the need to step out of my little bubble and meet new people - it all began to bog me down. I started to question God's sovereignty. As much as I regret to admit it, I really did hate living here (and in some ways, though to a lesser degree, I still do). If a few months before someone were to tell me my life would be a mess, I would have scoffed. Now it was a reality.

Just last night I was having a chat with myself. I talk to myself. A lot. Laying on my bed, I began to mutter how slow, yet fast, the time has gone since moving. While going through all the things that have happened since moving, I began to see this move in a new light.

Moving here has been the hardest thing in my life. It's been difficult. It's been challenging. It still is difficult and challenging. I most definitely am not at a point where I can say that I am ready to accept Pennsylvania as my home. But over the past year and half, I have been learning that, while I do have negative feelings towards my outward surroundings, I cannot allow them to dictate how I will fulfill God's purpose for me while I'm here. God has planted me here for this season of my life. I don't know how long I'll be here; maybe until I graduate from high school, maybe until I get married, maybe it will be for the rest of my life. But while I am here, I intend, by God's grace, to use my time to fullest. To reach out to those He has placed in my life. To influence those around my for Christ. To take full advantage of the opportunities He has given me. To know that I have lived here and lived here well.

Everyone goes through trials. Some are temporary, others long-lasting. Some can even be akin to what the apostle Paul would describe as a thorn in the flesh (see 2 Corinthians 12:7). Yet, we can choose how we will resource these trials. We can determine whether we will fight against them or allow them to grow us.

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

But let patience have its perfect work,

that you may be perfect and complete,

lacking nothing."

~ James 1:3-4 ~

I still buck against the reality of living here. These three years have been the longest three years of my life. I have begged the Lord to take this burden away from me. And, if not allowing me to live elsewhere, at least to let me get used to living here. I've become angry at Him when it seems He has not answered my prayer.

But He has. Through the pain has come a healing that, without it, I can't imagine where I would be. By entrusting me with this trial, He has entrusted to me the boundless limits of His mercy and grace. I can honestly say that I would go through the whole ordeal again to know the Lord would grow me as much as He has. Should He choose to bless me with this burden my whole life, so be it. I have tested the grace of God and found it not to be lacking. I have tested His mercy and kindness and found it to be in constant supply. I have tested His faithfulness and it is very great. I have eaten the fruit of His goodness each and every day and have found it to be very sweet.

His Ways Are Past Finding Out

A couple days ago, Carissa and I were having what we call a God-is-awesome-chat. The content of such chats is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, we talk about how awesome God is - His character, His love, His redemption and grace, Him. During this particular conversation, Carissa stated how amazing it is that God would choose to love through us - a holy, infallible, and perfect Creator loving through sinful, fallible, rebellious human beings. It truly is a mind-boggling concept. Later, I started mulling another related concept over in my mind: why would God entrust any form of Himself to me?

He promises me His faithfulness . . . even when my heart is turned away to idols. Even when I shake my fist at Him and question His sovereignty.

He gives me both physical and spiritual blessings everyday . . . and yet how often I forget to thank Him.

He has plucked my life from eternal damnation in hell . . . yet, oh, how my heart always lingers on the edge of that fiery pit.

He has set my feet upon the Rock that shall never be moved . . . and I still allow myself to wallow in the sinking sand of false doctrine and diluted post-modern theology.

He has given me His grace . . . but daily I take advantage of it by returning to my sin. How often I make it's power ineffective in my life. How little I have tested its limits by being content with a mediocre level in my work, not pushing myself beyond my capabilities and striving towards a higher standard He has called me to.

His mercy is new every morning . . . oh, how often I tempt Him every hour to turn His hand of wrath against me.

He calls me to be His ambassador . . . worldliness is in my heart and my ability to remain a pure witness for Him has been marred.

He forgave me when I was a helpless sinner, openly defying His name; He didn't expect me to receive it or even take it kindly; He gave it to me freely . . . how seldom I forgive others in that manner.

He gave up His life out of sheer love for me . . . am I willing to die for my love of Christ?

Oh, my soul - live for God!

"Platonic" Relationships

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about the concept of maintaining a platonic relationship with a guy. You know, those friendships where you see the guy and girl meeting for coffee once a week, "spilling the beans" on matters of their heart, and yet they claim they have no romantic interest in one another. And this raised a question in my mind: is it possible to have a strong, one-on-one relationship with a young man and still have no emotional or physical attraction to him?

The term platonic relationship comes from Plato, the Greek philosopher. Plato believed that we humans are preexisting souls encapsulated in physical bodies upon birth. So our bodies are not a part of our essence in the way that our souls are. In other words, the soul of John can be best friends with the soul of Lindsay, but their bodies can be completely absent from the friendship. So John and Lindsay will be "just friends." Neither will develop a romantic or sexual interest in the other.

Does that happen in real life? From our own experiences and from the romantic dramas and comedies that play on this theme, we know things typically go the other way. Why? Because our souls are not compartmentalized from our bodies; we are emotional-physical-spiritual beings. Emotional intimacy is a prelude to physical intimacy, and in marriage these go hand in hand, each promoting the other.

So can a girl be friends with a guy? Sure. Just don't pretend you're compartmentalized. If you aren't interested in pursuing the possibility of marriage with him, keep the emotional intimacy at bay. Emotional intimacy between a man and woman is something that, I believe, is to be reserved for a firm relationship and engagement that is intentionally headed towards marriage and, ultimately, marriage itself. Until a man has shared with the woman his desire to marry her in the near future, the woman should feel no obligation and, honestly, has no business sharing her most intimate feelings with him. Likewise, the man should not feed off of a woman's emotional vulnerability in order to feed his "knight in shining armor" drive. Hearts are no small thing to be tampered with.

A good way to avoid getting too emotionally attached with a guy is, in my view, to cut down or completely cut out one-on-one time with him. While you may not see it as a "date," he might, even if he tells you otherwise. Either he needs to "man up", declare his intentions and set a marriage-oriented direction for the relationship, or he needs to free your time and ultimately your heart for another man.

7 Ways to Charm Your Man

Yesterday my mom and I were over at my grandparents' house, mainly just to check in and see how they're doing since they both are up in years. I love going to their house. It's so full of history. My favorite thing to do is to go through their old belongings (the ones they let people go through, that is . . .); a ration packet from the Great Depression; my grandfather's army badges from World War 2; and then there's the old clothes of the timeless vintage style. Anyways, this particular time, I was browsing through my grandmother's old magazines she had kept throughout the years. I came across an issue of Coronet Magazine, circa 1950. I found this little article entitled "7 Ways to Charm Your Man" and thought it was way too cute to pass up.

1. Your voice must be gentle and warm, then he’ll want to listen to your expressive tones. And you’ll know the value of a soft whisper, but – most important – you’ll know when not to talk.

2. Your laugh . . . that special little chuckle which is all your own . . . the toss of your head as you laugh at his jokes . . . across a crowded room, your secret smile which takes him into your heart.

3. Your hair . . . blowing freely in the wind, tempting him to run his fingers through . . . even the little bit that stands straight up and defies attempts to tidy it – it’s endearing and he’ll love it.

4. Your nose . . . because it’s shiny, although you bemoan the fact and try hard to make the powder stay on . . . the amusing, lovable way you wrinkle it up when something pleases you.

5. Your attention . . . because you are a good listener and take an interest in what he has to say, which makes him feel important; also the encouragement you give him when he feels unsure.

6. Your dress . . . it’s just right for all occasions and you never embarrass him by wearing outrageous styles, colors and trimmings that are fussy and conspicuous . . . and besides, you walk firmly, with upright, graceful carriage, in ridiculously feminine, high-heeled shoes.

7. Your eyes . . . because they are so expressive, sparkling with fun or flashing with anger . . . because they send him charming messages which only he can read, and because they are the windows into which he can look and always be sure of finding the real You.

A Call to Anguish - David Wilkerson

Once again, the ministry of Eric and Leslie Ludy has struck to the heart of what true Christianity is all about. This past weekend, they paid tribute to the recently-killed David Wilkerson, founder of Teen Challenge, hero of the faith, and champion for Christ. The following is a short film featuring part of a sermon Mr. Wilkerson preached entitle "A Call to Anguish." And, again, my eyes were not dry by the end of it.



To read David Wilkerson's last blog entry, go here.

Blow Me Away

This morning I was doing my usual routine of blog surfing and I stumbled upon a highly compelling video on Eric and Leslie Ludy's ministry site. Throughout the whole video, I cried tears of sorrow, repentence, joy, and ultimately, gratitude for all the Savior has done for me.



"Is not the Lamb that was slain worthy to receive the reward of His suffering?

To Be Lost in the Love of My Lord

To be honest, I've always been quite indifferent towards Valentine's Day. I still am. I loath the color red. Seeing little teddy bears holding out heart-shaped pillows with "Be Mine" embroidered across the front is anything but cute. I like the idea of being my own little self everyday, not just on "Single Awareness Day." And, I admit, it's not too hard for me to enjoy being single since I'm not that much of a hopeless romantic anyways.

Yet I realize that all girls aren't like me. Some girls find themselves depressed on the day's leading up to and after Valentine's Day. They feel that twinge of loneliness and wonder when Mr. Darcy will turn up. And, yes, even steel-hardy me feels the "man-ache" every now and then. But it's during the times of impatience and discontent that I find myself evaluating my desires. Why do I feel the need for human love? Why is my heart discontent with all the love my Father has lavished on me already?

Now, please don't misread me. This is not to say one shouldn't desire the love from a fellow human. God created us with an inherent desire to be found loved in the eyes of others. Humans need humans. But when our desire for love outweighs our desperate need to be fulfilled in Christ alone, we are setting ourselves up for a severe disappointment. For every longing our heart craves for, Christ has already made the grade for it.

I want to be loved - ". . . I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." - Jeremiah 31:3

I want someone to hold my hand - ". . . I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I want to be accepted and valued - ". . . He made us accepted in the Beloved." - Ephesians 1:6

I want someone who will champion my causes, one who is willing to fight for me - "The Lord will fight for you . . . " - Exodus 14:14

I want someone to help me - "There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides the heavens to help you . . ." - Deuteronomy 33:26

I don't want to have to bear the load of life on my own - "Even to your old age, I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry and will deliver you." - Isaiah 46:4

There are many, many more desires my heart longs for in regards to love. But what use is it to worry about my future? Who am I to desire anything else than what God has willed for my life right now? It is utter foolishness to believe that any human could instantaneously fulfill my heart. Every-day interactions with people prove this fact.

If I do not look to Christ to fulfill my heart, there is no way I could possibly bring even a small amount of fulfillment to a man. An unfullfilled human brings less than fulfillment to another human. Oh, how my heart longs for its desires to be reconciled with the love of Christ! May my heart always find refuge in Christ, my God. May I look to His Word as a comfort in times of loneliness, His grace in times of weakness, and His enduring faithfulness and love to calm my restless soul.

Why I Love Being Feminine

Photo Courtesy of A Lady's Findings

It's wonderful being a girl. So many times it's the little, seemingly-insignificant things that delight the feminine class. Perhaps this post may seem a bit rambled, but here are some of my favorite and enjoyable side effects to being feminine.

- The graceful movement of tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear while I type on my laptop in a cafe'.

- The mystery of having a smile teasing my lips as I shop for romaine lettuce and bell peppers.

- The dignified feeling that comes when I stand with my shoulders back and head slightly tilted upwards.

- Enjoying a spontaneous skip or hop every once in a while - no matter who sees.

- The soft scent of powder makeup.

- Wearing ribbon in my hair that was salvaged from the wrapping of the gift from my valentine.

- The swish of my skirt as I sit down in the car.

- The prim sound of heels clipping against the pavement.

- Knowing that a flower can immediately transform any hair catastrophe.

- The light reflected from sparkly jewelry.

- Walking through the fabric store and picking out my wedding colors.

- The ability to "brain laugh" when a boy gawks at my brightly colored rain boots.

- Ruffled necklines.

- The domestic feeling that surges through me when I put on an apron.

- Adding curlicues and swirlygigs to my writing.

- Silently reveling in the "please-clarify" look of the young man who takes my complicated order at Starbucks.

- The distinguished air that only women can hold.

I know there are more perks to being feminine out there - what are yours?

The Great Proposal

One of my favorite things ever is to hear an engagement story. The mystery, the anticipation, the rumors about the purchase of a ring, and finally the big announcement all culminate to produce a wonderful story of love and joy. I've already "planned" how my proposal will happen, provided that it is in the Lord's will. Yes, I know it will never happen how I've predetermined, but it's always fun to dream.

A few months ago, I was sick with a cold and couldn't go to church with my family. While I was in my room praying and overall talking about my day with the Lord, I started daydreaming about my proposal. Would it be in the living room with my family present or just the two of us on the sofa? Would it be at a restaurant or down by the creek behind our house? Would I expect it or would it be a surprise? All these thoughts crowded into my mind and I began to tell the Lord about them. A few minutes passed by while I kept on dreaming until I felt an impression to look up a verse in the book of Revelation.

"And the Spirit and the bride say,

'Come!'

And let him who hears say,

'Come!'

And let him who thirsts come.

Whoever desires, let him take

the water of life freely."

~ Revelation 22:17 ~

I realized that while I was dreaming about how my "real" proposal would go, here the Lord was inviting me to come to Him. All that I need is found in Christ alone. While I may long for love, Christ fulfilled that need when He paid for my sin on the cross. He lavishes His grace on me everyday through the blessings He gives. Jesus extends His hand of invitation to every one of us. It's up to us to accept His free gift of love and grace.

". . . 'I am the bread of life.

He who comes to Me shall never hunger,

and he who believes in Me

shall never thirst.'"

~ John 6:35 ~

I will never be disappointed if I find my fulfillment in Christ alone. Yes, my soul will be distracted by the things of the world. But my prayer everyday is that my soul would awaken to the grand proposal the Lord holds out to me - walking with the Creator of the universe every single day. I do look forward to the day that I will marry. But during this season of singleness, I desire for my soul to be set in finding its satisfaction in Christ alone. While it is wonderful to be loved by a human being, how much more wonderful be called a lover of God!

I Am Resolved

As the new year approaches, people generally make goals for the next year. Exercise and diet, interesting places to travel to, hobbies to experiment with, new foods to taste, and countless other "to-do's" make the list. I personally have never found making resolutions too helpful. I'll fall into one of three categories.

1. For one, I never write them down. Hence, I forget them by January 2nd.
2. I'll make resolutions I could never possibly do. ("Become an acrobat.")
3. I'll make resolutions that I absolutely have no desire to achieve. ("Learn Swahili.")

However, at every year's end, I always read over and am fascinated by the resolutions of Jonathan Edwards. His desire to please the Lord through his life is made evidenced by these life goals. As I was reading through them on Saturday, number 53 jumped out at me.

"Resolved, to improve every opportunity,

when I am in the best and happiest frame of mind,

to cast and venture my soul on the Lord Jesus Christ,

to trust and confide in him,

and consecrate myself wholly to him;

that from this I may have assurance of my safety,

knowing that I confide in my Redeemer."

~ Jonathan Edwards ~

How I desire that trait to be my resolution, not just for the year, but for my whole life. God alone is my only Sustenance. Jesus, my only hope of salvation. He gives me grace for every trial and delivers me from every temptation. He holds the universe in His hands, and yet He cares about every detail of my life, from my wishes and desires to the intimate cares of my heart. Christ deserves all I am. May my life be hidden in Christ my Savior, and may its trust be not in the things of the world, but in the knowledge that He is all I need.