I'm Majoring for a Mrs. Degree

Coming from a conservative homeschool background, I've been exposed to the "preparing for marriage" idea since . . . well, for too long. Not so much within my own family, but more so with books, articles and magazines, videos, simple chit-chat discussions . . . marriage is a hot topic. Recently, I went through the "cold-footed senior" dilemma, not quite sure how to translate what I know I've been called to do into a tangible reality for my life (which, thankfully, is not the case anymore). For the past year people would ask, "So, what are your plans after highschool?" "Oh, I'm still praying about it," was the inevitable reply. Several times, I would get back, "Oh, take your time. This just allows for more time to prepare for marriage."

Note: If you love me, you won't say that.

The problem is not with marriage. I truly believe that marriage is wonderful and I will be thrilled should it happen to me. Yet I have observed, over and over, young women leaving the nest of homeschool with one purpose alone: to catch a man.

Girls will dream of their wedding day, that is a given. But what about making your life around the wedding day? Until you reach that time, you will not have a purpose. No goal except to find a mate. With any other object this may be attainable - a job, an education, even a home - since these things can be found and earned. A mate is an entirely different animal . . . a human. As time goes on, this human can become a god: all youth is spent in pursuit of him, much time is spent on dreaming of him, all skills and knowledge honed in preparation for him, and marriage, a wedding, and a happily-ever-after can become all you ever want out of life.

So what happens when the wedding is over? What then? Wedding days are over by sundown, honeymoons are over in a week, and then there's the great expanse of Life to deal with. Tests and trials come - often much more difficult to face than if you are single as the family must provide for itself with the unison of each other. What then?

The Ideal Mate suddenly is revealed as a sinning human, as well as are you - despite all the preparation for marriage. If marriage was your idol before the ring, you eyes are opened wide as you see that it's not all romance and candles. All the time spent to attain it may make you wonder if it was well spent at all. Did you redeem the time of your youth? Did you make the most of the years you had?

Preparing for marriage is an admirable goal, and I would never say to stop learning the various skills needed to be a homemaker or provider (whichever you happen to be). At the same time, if that is your only goal in life, it is a low-sighted vision. While God works mightily through married couples, He can work mightily through anyone who is called by His name. He is not restricted by our perception of what we think is best for us, our perception of Him, nor our personal interpretation of His Word.

Would I like to stay single for a long time? I'm just graduating from highschool this year, so I don't classify myself as "single" yet, but to directly answer your question, no, not really. I want hugs and kisses too. My mom and dad do it all the time and they seem to have fun with it . . . I want my turn. However, if that becomes my only goal then I am making an idol out of something that is a blessing of God, not God himself. It is the same with a career or education - or anything that takes the place of God in our lives. Yet it often seems that marriage is somehow given a license to take this position in the lives of young people while careers and educations are not, especially to girls.

Perhaps you're alarmed by the feministic ring to that last statement, but don't be; I will tell you what I am for. I am for young men and women making these years when they are unmarried, without commitments and people to provide for, the years that they fill with learning and moving forward. These are the years to do things you dream of - not in a selfish way, which the world propagates, but the dreams that God lays on your heart. Dreams beyond marriage. Once a woman has children, her domain should be in the home training them as her God-given position in the family. But until then, she has work to do either for her husband or for her God.

Marriage can seem like the safe haven that escorts a girl out of her parents' home into the home of her husband. She never has to face "the world." Truth be told, we live in the world. We may not be of it, but we sure better be able to face it. We had better know what to say and do, how to speak and teach - and in these things we can still be all the wife or husband that we need to be. In fact, we'll be made the better for it.

Any man of mine will be worthy of my respect and love because he went out into the world and accomplished the dream God laid on his heart. He will be my hero because I will see in him a man who took his time and redeemed it, preparing for me by not wasting all his knowledge and preparation on me, but working to support me. And I will do the same: use these years to their maximum. So when my man and I meet, our years together will be twice as powerful as our years apart. That's my dream, and marriage is a part of it - but marriage isn't the dream itself.

Society may be set against marriage, instead being a proponent of the "swinging single" image, but that does not give us the right to take the pendulum the other direction with the idea that marriage is the "only way." We must strike a balance, with morality as our guide and God as our hope, knowing that our work for Him will be effective whether we have a spouse or not. When He is in His rightful place, and we are being faithful in what He has called us to in the here and now (whether that's education, getting a job, serving your family and church, or simply loving your neighbor), then He can give us those blessings that we desire.

The Dogwood's Secret

(Spoiler alert: One word - rambly.)

It's no joke that my favorite season is spring. In my mind, spring has it all. Heavenly weather, clean, crisp air, the grass begins to get it's green on, and my personal favorite - the trees start to bloom. 

There really is nothing quite like taking a walk and getting snowed on by Dogwood petals, or to see a child squeal and giggle as she runs to the Magnolia tree to gather a few twigs of the breathy pink blossoms for "Mommy to put in a vase and keep forever." I'm quite partial to the Dogwood. Not so much for the scent, but for the white blossoms. White is such a symbolic color. It stands for purity, cleanliness, something fresh, something new. So many phrases run through my mind whenever I spot a tree in full powdery white glory.

"I am the Resurrection and the Life," rustles through the blossoms as I work in the garden. "He who overcomes will be dressed in white."

A few days ago, I was struggling with the weight of my sin. "Get a grip, you moron! You were born to 'fight the good fight of faith and lay hold of eternal life' and you cast off the sword . . . again." While I continued to beat myself up, I heard a soft, gentle voice.

Look out the window.

"But I don't see anything and . . . oh, my Lord."

There, just three houses down, was a Dogwood tree, its white blossoms basking in the sunlight.

Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow.

That was enough to calm the raging voice inside of me that said "Give up, you'll never work through this. It's no use fighting now." Any fears of having at long last wasted the last drop of grace that has been shown to me were dispelled at His voice.

The Dogwood bears within itself a secret of immeasurable worth. Now when I see it, I gasp not only for its pure beauty. It stands as a reminder of who my Savior is, and who I am and am becoming according to the power of His Spirit that works within me. There is a Savior who has redeemed me. There is hope of salvation. There is life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.


Photo courtesy of Of All Loveliness

Move the Pot

Yesterday afternoon, I was doing some dishes left over from lunch and the water wasn't draining on one side of the sink. Granted, our sink isn't from the 21st century, but whenever you wash dishes the old fashioned way (i.e. without a dishwasher), it's somewhat crucial that the water drains through.

Stupid sink.

"It's probably just a clogged drain since the pot of soap is barely covering it up," I thought. Five minutes go by, and the water has receded approximately 1 centimeter. "Just lift the pot up and see what happens," Common Sense told me. Sure enough, the water drained through quickly.

And that got me thinking.

So often when we're facing problems in a relationship with a family member, friend, or co-worker, it's too easy to eenie-meenie-miny-moe on something other than the root issue. But Christianly, before we play the blame game, it's our job to evaluate ourselves before we bang the gavel on someone else.

"Judge not, that you be not judged.

For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged;

and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye,

but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

Or how can you say to your brother,

'Let me remove the speck from your eye';

and look, a plank is in your own eye?

Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye,

and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

~ Matthew 7:1-5 ~

Just like I thought the problem was with the drain (something I can't fix), likewise it's too easy for me to point the finger. "It's her fault!" But the reality is, the problem could be as simple as "lifting the pot," repenting of a sinful reaction in my life (something I can fix).

This isn't to negate situations where the other person is indeed at fault. But even then, it's easy to settle on the worst case scenario, coming up with reasons why he didn't return the phone call or why she is being distant for no seemingly legitimate reason.

In the conflicts we have with those around us, almost every time there's something we can change about our reaction in order to honor and love them the way Christ loved us.

Destroying a Thousand Years of Mathematical Genius

I'm not sure I believe in negative numbers.

If zero is really zero,
that is, nothing,
then how can something be less than nothing?

"Nothing" is the absense of thingness.
How can one be more absent a thing than another?
"We are both nothing, but I am more nothing than you."
To be more nothing . . . does that not
make "nothing"
a thing?

Thingness defies zero.
Either you are zero - and absolutely nothing
or very secretly
you are something.

How I Died

Some days, I am weighted down by the sheer knowledge of my own filth.

I live and breathe and laugh. Sometimes I even speak, and others listen. There are days that some call me "wise" or "mature." Once or twice, I believe them. More often, I feel guilty. Dirty. Fake.

Is what they see real? Or do I live to hide the abomination of my own being?

Perhaps we are all abominations, in our own right. And yet perhaps, it is this that gives us  beginning. You can't have an ending without a beginning. Can't have an after without a before.

Can't have salvation without abomination.

What drags at my conscience is the in-between. The now. The sanctification not yet complete. The work in progress.

The life of a Christ-follower places us at the fulcrum point: behind us, the filth. We see it still, and it nags at us, taunts us. Before us, the plunge. There is no memory of the abominations there - the dirt that clings to the bits and pieces of a former life.

But we are in the now. Not yet perfected. Clinging only to the sight ahead.

The past is forgiven, but not erased. We are all of us abominable.

Which is why we must cease to be "us."

The days full of guilt and shame and grief belong to another life, and must be left there. When my mind tries to revive them, I must simply remember.

Remember how I died.

Photo courtesy of Of All Loveliness

Indifferent Moments

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

~ Elie Wiesel ~

I found this quote (once again) just recently. It really struck home.

Over the past few months, and really over the past year, I've been dealing with quite a bit. Much of it self-afflicted, much of it my fault, yes, but that doesn't make it any easier.

There are times when life is very stressful. There are times where the emotions seem almost unbearable. And I've discovered it's very easy for me to just shut everything out. Go into auto-pilot. Stop caring.

Sure, it seems easier. Maybe in the moment things don't hurt so much. But it doesn't fix anything.

And, in the meantime, I miss out on so much. I miss out on offering a broken heart up to God to fix. I miss out on friends who are willing to support and encourage me. I miss out on reaching out to others and supporting them where I wished I had gotten support.

Caring is such a beautiful thing. Indifference, such a dangerous thing.

In the midst of the pain, in the midst of the complications, in the midst of the emotional roller-coaster life puts us through, are we willing to face it all, and simply care? You'll lead a very bleak life, otherwise.

Photo courtesy of Ruche

I Give You My Heart

One of the themes of Christmas that my parents drilled into me when I was younger was giving. God the Father gave His Son for the world. Mary gave her body and soul as servant to the Most High God. The Magi traveled "field and fountain, moor and mountain" to bring the Christchild such regal gifts as gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

When I was younger, our family had the tradition of making a Christmas ornament that represented something we wanted to give Jesus. On Christmas Day, we would sit around the living room and discuss our ornament; what did we choose to give and why? how can we bless the Lord with our gift? One year I gave my tricycle; another, my puppy. From music awards to the pear tree in our backyard, it seemed God got them all.

Recently, I found myself evaluating my own life, asking what can I give that would bring honor and glory to Christ? While the days of construction paper and glitter overkill are long-gone, there must be something that is of worth and value that I can give Him.

To be completely honest, there isn't.

As I've continued to grow in Christ, I have come to the seemingly obvious realization that there is not one thing on earth that He desires more than our heart. What's more, He isn't looking for one that is continually right, always receiving praise and position, always hitting the beat every time. I mean, if God has blessed you with such a life, all glory and honor be to Him! But, frankly, that isn't the case with me.

This month of December has probably been the toughest out of this half-year. (I say half-year because I don't remember the first six months of this year too well to say whether or not this month has been the worst in the entire year.) Various things have happened in my life that, whether they be hurtful or humiliating, each one has beaten my soul down to a critically low point. Thank God for His grace to work with us in our time of need!

Yesterday morning I was working through a few things with the Lord. While turning to my mark in Psalms (the book I'm currently going through), the Lord spoke loud and clear yet again through the comfort of His word.

"For You do not desire sacrifice,

or else I would give it;

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

A broken and a contrite heart -

These, O God, You will not despise."

~ Psalm 51:16-17 ~

King David wrote these words in his "repentance psalm" after he committed adultery with Bathsheba. Of all places, in the midst of his sin, he had the faith to believe that God would take his sinful heart and turn it into something worthy of His glory. (And the Lord did just that.)

We all go through things that weigh us down and perhaps break our spirit. The death of a loved one. The pain of divorce. Cancer. The betrayal of those we love. The cutting off of a relationship. Witnessing a friend go down the wrong path. Receiving the diagnoses of a terminal disease. Abuse. Each of us carry some sort of pain and heartache around in life. I am currently working through a painful situation. And while I can't offer any "professional" advice, all I can say is - offer that pain to the Lord. Invite Him to feel it with you. He does not look down upon our anger, guilt, or sadness; things that other people may label as "no big deal." Rather, these are the exact things He desires in a heart that is yielded to His will. He is not a distant Being that cannot relate to our suffering (see Hebrews 4:15). Rather, He has known pain that, praise be to Him, we will never need to experience.

This Christmas, my desire is to surrender my pain to the Lord. To thrust my burdens on Him everyday. To be yoked to His will each day. To live in freedom rather than pridefully holding onto my hurt. Yes, it's difficult. Each day presents new challenges of its own. But I would be smothered if I did not have that ray of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel named the Cross of Christ. He delights to feel my pain. He wants to "do this with me." He is my Father; I can hide nothing from Him. Through pain or pleasure, guilt or pardon - He is my Savior.

This Christmas, I give Him my heart.

Bottled and Shelved

I've seen it happen all too often.

A girl, pure and committed, living by every rule and guideline in the "book," yet confused, afraid, and guilty over her own natural emotions. If feelings arose for someone she tamped them down, stifled them, and corked it all in, not to see the light day . . . but then at night, they came flooding back . . . and there was nothing she could do but stifle them all over again.

I've seen it destroy. Those natural emotions that we have been given by God cannot be contained in so extreme a measure and allow us to still operate in freedom. We become slaves to our emotions, constantly battling ourselves and feeling guilty because of it - when those emotions are part of our very nature. The extremity of measure taken to keep a heart "pure" can instead cause it to internalize natural desires, and eventually this leads to rebellion.

What is a pure heart? It is not a heart in slavery to rule and regulation. It is disciplined, yes, but it is not bound and shackled to keep it in submission. A pure heart is free of corruption, pride, selfishness, and fear. But most importantly . . . a pure heart is free. Just free.

If there is anything that peeves me about the purity movement, it is the stifling of emotion that so many girls tend to do. It is this tamped down, corked in, wound-up society of hearts that have natural, God-given desires for love and affection and friendship - without an avenue to vent those desires. Friendships with boys are forbidden or closely censored, and any feelings a girl or boy may have is told to be stuffed away for That Great Day In The Future.

It is not effective. It is not safe. This fear of relationships in high school, simply because we are devoted to purity, will prove to be the destruction of our commitment if we do not realize that in Christ, we have a marvelous freedom! It is our own choice to use this freedom for good or ill - but we're free all the same! This fear of friendships with girls or boys, this fear of touching or standing close, this fear of what others will think - it is fear. It is pride. It is not of Christ.

There is freedom when living in submission to Christ. You can have pure, good, refreshing, godly friendships with boys and girls and no one can condemn you! It is perfectly possible to spend time with the opposite sex on a friendship basis and remain completely above reproach. You may even develop an attraction to one friend in particular - a crush, perhaps. That is natural. What you do with it is the issue. If you stamp it down and grind it out with legalism and human strength, it will come back ten times stronger. Give it to Christ, and you will be able to maintain a friendship as well as your heart.

God says all throughout Scripture, "Do not be afraid." (Deut. 1:29, Josh. 10:25, 1 Sam. 12:20, 1 Sam. 22:23, Ps. 56:11) Do not be afraid of anything: temptation, emotion, friendships, men, what others may think. If you are indeed of God then you have nothing to be afraid of. You should be perfectly in control of your emotions, perfectly strong in temptation, perfectly at ease in friendships, perfectly respectful to men, and perfectly content to let others think what they may. Because God is perfect, and He is at your side.

So where is your heart? Is it "bottled and shelved" like a keg of beer, fermenting and growing stronger in its pungent smell? Or is it growing free, like a lily in a field, with sun and water and whole host of others around it? The lily white heart is not rotting in a cellar but flourishes where accountability and beauty grow up together. It is not afraid of the thorns and thistles that grow beside it because it knows that it is where it needs to be. Someday someone will pick it, but until that day, it flourishes where it has been planted.

How to be THAT Guy at the Gym

On Tuesday, a friend of mine and I decided to have some girl time. Except it wasn't exclusive girl time considering that her brother was our chauffeur. At any rate, while we were out and about, her brother decided to make a quick stop at the gym to renew his membership while we waited in the car. What was supposed to be a maximum of ten minutes turned out to be much longer and we decided to go in to see what was taking so long. While her brother was still working on the logistics and legal contracting and whatever else goes into renewing a gym membership, I was able to observe several men coming in and out of the gym. Peering through the window to the workout room, immediately my attention was curbed to one man: that guy.

You know the man.

The one person whose exertion not only taxes the limit of his resolve but also that of everyone surrounding. Exercise is not just exercise: it is an accomplishment of Olympic proportions. And you should be taking this as seriously as he is.

As he jogs past you, his sweat conveniently coagulating between two rippling shoulders, he'll give you the glance-and-nod (chin up, not down) between labored breaths, as if to say, "I was you before Old Spice." No wonder people give up on the gym. It's people like this that discourage the common ranks from their goals. Want to get him back? Here's your guide to being "that guy":

1. Enter with style.
Entrance is everything. You'll be entering the gym in street clothes, and by that I don't mean clothes you got out a box on the side of a street. A North Face jacket and dark wash jeans are good basics that just scream 'ATHLETIC." Your casual t-shirt should be tight enough to reveal your pecs, because your coat zipper will only be halfway zipped. You must never zip it up completely. Especially if it is 15 degrees. Macho men are too hot to ever be cold.

2. Execute the Superman.
Although you'd like to eliminate all competition, however fictional, I don't mean a literal execution here. It's lightening-fast locker room change you need to master: street clothes off, gym shorts on. You can leave the t-shirt on - you'll look cool with the sweat on your back. And why dirty more than one shirt? Less laundry for Mom.

3. Stretch like Gumby.
Bend, dip, flail, kick, pull, push, and pretzel your way into limber-land somewhere between the gym entrance and the weight room (aka Man-Cave). Try to do it anywhere there's a door to the entrance so any girls checking in can check out at the same time. Your biceps, that is.

4. Let the sweat drops roll.
Only sweat in socially acceptable areas: middle of the back, neck, temples, hairline, chest, and forearms. You won't be wearing a black t-shirt because the sweat doesn't show up as well. A gray one will do the trick. Lift it up every few minutes to wipe your forehead, because that looks . . . what's the word . . . intense.

5. Perfect the sound effects.
Silent workouts? Unheard of. Your workout should be punctuated with grunts of effort, moans of lament, sighs of relief, and the occasional shout at the gym TV depending on which sport is in season. Oh, and carry a towel around for when you sigh so you can mop your forehead at the same time.

6. Sir, can I get you an exorcist?
Whatever it looks like on the outside, on the inside you're just that more amazing. Your warm-up routine should incorporate moves of Michael Jackson, Charlie Chaplin, and Jack Sparrow. Finish off in a hackney high-step on the treadmill and channel a little demon-possession by thrashing on the floor doing the Bicycle.

7. Express yourself through cardio.
Relieve those job stresses with some intensely macho jumping jacks. Hey, want to forget that awful date yesterday? Break out the jump rope. Grab a medicine ball (because there is nothing more manly than twisting around like an injured bowler) and do some side-to-side crunches to get a washboard worthy of a laundry woman. You never know what cardio could help you find your identity. How do you think Jason Bourne did it?

8. Get a little GQ . . .
The walk out is as imperative as the walk in, and there's a certain way to do it. The shoulders should swing side to side with the upper arms held slightly away from the chest (as if there is an invisible inner tube stuck around one's torso). Walk slowly, glancing casually around the room, until you can execute another Clark Kent transition into the suave street version of your Rambo self.

The Dinner Table

It seems in a schedule that leaves little room for any other description but "busy", that is when the simple joys in living become a huge blessing. Such has been my life for the past week or so (hence, the lack of blogging). Yet, in the midst of a very busy, perhaps even challenging day, there always seems to be a lull in the program that allows me to relax and thoroughly enjoy myself. Such is the case of sitting down and simply enjoying a meal with my family.

Besides the emotional-relational benefits of eating together, numerous studies have proven the many benefits for teens and young children when they have regular sit-down dinners with their families. From decreased likelihood to become involved with drugs and alcohol, to strengthening relationships, the benefits are astounding, and something that should cause us all to pause and take notice. Whether you're married or not, have children, are a stay-at-hommie, or live with a college roommate, or are on your own, there are many benefits to making time to simply sit down and enjoy dinner at the end of the day. Here are a few that I feel are the most beneficial.

Become more conscious
By simply making time to make dinner, you are establishing positive eating habits. You become an active participant of what you eat; meaning, you know what s going into your meals. You receive the satisfaction of what you have just made, especially since you know how much work and planning went into preparing it. It allows for the opportunity to eat a balanced meal that incorporates ingredient that are in season from local farmers.

Strengthen relationships

When dinner is served around a table and not in front of the television, you are expected to communicate without distractions besides eating the food you made. Learning how to listen, look someone in the eye and express thanks, sensing the right times to keep silence, ask questions and get to know someone is a way to continually strengthen any relationship with someone you love and care about. Knowing that someone is curious about your day and ten returning the favor builds a support system that provides a peace of mind because you realize that someone cares, which builds confidence and a sense of direction.

Save money

Cooking at home and serving a meal to family, friends or yourself is a simple way to save money. Eating out, while a treat, can add up if done regularly, and it usually will add to your waistline as well. By making a decision to eat at home more than you eat out will keep money in your pocket that can be served for grander dreams and goals.

Slow down

While sitting down for dinner motivates you to eat slower and enjoy your food, it also gives you permission to slow down in the middle of a possibly very harried schedule. When you slow down enough to savor your food, the conversation and the atmosphere, you allow your mind to relax; you welcome balance into your life and think a bit more clearly.

Learn how to communicate effectively

This particular benefit is something that not everyone learns until they realize they didn't learn it at all. When you learn how to communicate respectful (allowing others to speak, but trusting that you will have the opportunity to be heard as well), you come to realize that communication is a key to working through difficulties and disagreements. Sitting around the table, especially during the holidays and during dinner parties when many different opinions are in the room, typically provokes lively debate. But instead of avoiding the scenario, if you have learned how to communicate in a mature fashion, you don't have to shy away from emotional discussions, but instead revel in them as they allow everyone to have their own ideas and share them without being dismissed.

While it may take more organization and planned ahead, by being pro-active, sitting down to dinner more often can add many wonderful benefits to your life. What are some things you love about sitting down for meals?

Photo courtesy: (1) Pretty Stuff; (2) Dustjacket Attic; (3) A Well Traveled Woman

To read more about the benefits of dinner-table-eating, check out Barilla and The New York Times.