How to be THAT Guy at the Gym

On Tuesday, a friend of mine and I decided to have some girl time. Except it wasn't exclusive girl time considering that her brother was our chauffeur. At any rate, while we were out and about, her brother decided to make a quick stop at the gym to renew his membership while we waited in the car. What was supposed to be a maximum of ten minutes turned out to be much longer and we decided to go in to see what was taking so long. While her brother was still working on the logistics and legal contracting and whatever else goes into renewing a gym membership, I was able to observe several men coming in and out of the gym. Peering through the window to the workout room, immediately my attention was curbed to one man: that guy.

You know the man.

The one person whose exertion not only taxes the limit of his resolve but also that of everyone surrounding. Exercise is not just exercise: it is an accomplishment of Olympic proportions. And you should be taking this as seriously as he is.

As he jogs past you, his sweat conveniently coagulating between two rippling shoulders, he'll give you the glance-and-nod (chin up, not down) between labored breaths, as if to say, "I was you before Old Spice." No wonder people give up on the gym. It's people like this that discourage the common ranks from their goals. Want to get him back? Here's your guide to being "that guy":

1. Enter with style.
Entrance is everything. You'll be entering the gym in street clothes, and by that I don't mean clothes you got out a box on the side of a street. A North Face jacket and dark wash jeans are good basics that just scream 'ATHLETIC." Your casual t-shirt should be tight enough to reveal your pecs, because your coat zipper will only be halfway zipped. You must never zip it up completely. Especially if it is 15 degrees. Macho men are too hot to ever be cold.

2. Execute the Superman.
Although you'd like to eliminate all competition, however fictional, I don't mean a literal execution here. It's lightening-fast locker room change you need to master: street clothes off, gym shorts on. You can leave the t-shirt on - you'll look cool with the sweat on your back. And why dirty more than one shirt? Less laundry for Mom.

3. Stretch like Gumby.
Bend, dip, flail, kick, pull, push, and pretzel your way into limber-land somewhere between the gym entrance and the weight room (aka Man-Cave). Try to do it anywhere there's a door to the entrance so any girls checking in can check out at the same time. Your biceps, that is.

4. Let the sweat drops roll.
Only sweat in socially acceptable areas: middle of the back, neck, temples, hairline, chest, and forearms. You won't be wearing a black t-shirt because the sweat doesn't show up as well. A gray one will do the trick. Lift it up every few minutes to wipe your forehead, because that looks . . . what's the word . . . intense.

5. Perfect the sound effects.
Silent workouts? Unheard of. Your workout should be punctuated with grunts of effort, moans of lament, sighs of relief, and the occasional shout at the gym TV depending on which sport is in season. Oh, and carry a towel around for when you sigh so you can mop your forehead at the same time.

6. Sir, can I get you an exorcist?
Whatever it looks like on the outside, on the inside you're just that more amazing. Your warm-up routine should incorporate moves of Michael Jackson, Charlie Chaplin, and Jack Sparrow. Finish off in a hackney high-step on the treadmill and channel a little demon-possession by thrashing on the floor doing the Bicycle.

7. Express yourself through cardio.
Relieve those job stresses with some intensely macho jumping jacks. Hey, want to forget that awful date yesterday? Break out the jump rope. Grab a medicine ball (because there is nothing more manly than twisting around like an injured bowler) and do some side-to-side crunches to get a washboard worthy of a laundry woman. You never know what cardio could help you find your identity. How do you think Jason Bourne did it?

8. Get a little GQ . . .
The walk out is as imperative as the walk in, and there's a certain way to do it. The shoulders should swing side to side with the upper arms held slightly away from the chest (as if there is an invisible inner tube stuck around one's torso). Walk slowly, glancing casually around the room, until you can execute another Clark Kent transition into the suave street version of your Rambo self.