2016: learned + learning

2015 was a year of learning.

I learned that the Kingdom of God does not operate on a scale of best/worst, but on a scale of closer and deeper intimacy with the Father's heart. no matter what season, what success or trial, what promotion, what circumstance of life you find yourself in - it is utterly meaningless if you are not actively pursuing the Father's heart and allowing yourself to be pursued in return. no matter what I end up accomplishing with my lifetime - it will have no value if it is not centered on the love of God.

I opened my hands to the freedom that comes from knowing that control is an illusion. as much as I have an idea about the career I desire to pursue, I cannot control His process to get me there. as much as I hold various desires close to my heart, I cannot control the circumstances that I think are necessary for those desires to come to fruition. I cannot control people (and I honestly, genuinely have no desire to). I am simply called to be faithful.

I figured out that I have zero tolerance for a performance, my-value-is-based-on-me mentality in my life, and I am slowly learning to give grace to those who are still caught in it.

I learned that there isn't a grace for "toughing things out." God doesn't give grace to simply handle or deal with a struggle, but He does give grace to overcome.

I learned that, just because I still fight my flesh doesn't mean I'm denying the reality of victory - victory is not attained without a fight. because of the finished work of Jesus, I have been empowered to beat my flesh from a place of victory, not fight for victory.

I learned that I cannot truly represent Jesus to the world if I don't know Him. until Christ in me, the Hope of glory - until His very image is branded in my heart, I will only provide a crippled misrepresentation of Him to the earth, and I simply can't allow that. this process only comes by pursuing the secret place of intimacy with Him, getting to know His heart, and allowing His transformation to have full reign in my life. His price was too precious and the stakes are too high for me to base my witness on an empty perception of who I think He is.

I learned that, the more honest I am with God, the more honest He will be with me. not in the sense that He is not honest anyways, but there's honesty of character, and then there's honesty of intimacy. I'm chasing the honest growth of intimacy, the nitty-gritty, the vulnerable closeness that comes from a heart acknowledging its ache and exhaustion to a God who already sees and knows all things, yet delights in hearing His child's voice - and Who further delights in revealing His secret ways and desires for them in return.

I learned that transparency and vulnerability are not the same thing. you can be transparent - acknowledging that you're exposed - without heart connection, but you cannot be vulnerable without being present.

I learned that I have no desire to control my image. the minute I try to control people's perception of me,
1. I set myself up for a standard that is not true and that will eventually catch up to me, exposing who I really am, and
2. I deny the testimony of Jesus' work in my life.

if I have a choice between maintaining a "proper image" of myself versus an honest story, I am very willingly learning to choose the honest story. there is much simplicity and rest for the soul that is found hidden in the safe cove of the love of Christ; I have learned to delight in the joy and sweet relief that comes from allowing Yahweh alone to be my Defense, my Shield, my Refuge. my only responsibility is to walk in love, humility, and honor towards God and others - the rest is out of my hands.

I learned that confrontation doesn't have to equal conflict.

I learned that He honors those who honor Him. who have found their delight and joy and satisfaction in the infinite glory of Him. He is vast and splendid and beautiful and gentle and soft and thunderous and close and it is an absolute miracle that He desires to search me out and I get to search out the heart of God on an eternal adventure that keeps my feet skipping and heart beaming and eyes giggling in a mutual chase of love and light and marvel and wonder.

//

I am learning to live in the process of obtaining promise. there are many promises that have been spoken to me about my purpose and calling, whether by God Himself or through prophets and messengers of His Kingdom, and being the future-looking person that I naturally am, I tend to get caught up in the promise that I fight the process, which is found in my present. I'm so excited to get to the promised land that I forget the promise that is found in the land I am already in. and so I am learning to trust the process. the lives of Moses and David and Peter are huge comforts to me. it may feel circular and uphill and make me look and feel like a failure at times, but the process He is journeying with me through is one that only He knows will build me into the woman who will be able to handle the fruit and glory of the promises He has given to me as a treasure and gift.

I am learning to let my yes be yes and my no be no.

I am learning that it is better to say yes than to be right in the eyes of God.

I am learning that I feel the most confident when I trust the confidence of God. there's lots of theories about what makes a person confident, and I'm sure there's lots of truth to them. but for me, God is the most confident Person I know; He's confident because He cannot deny His nature - He upholds His own character by His own Word. and since He's the only perfect Person I know, I'm completely fine with trusting His confidence in Himself, and when I'm surrounded by His presence and truth and being, I become confident, because I am in Him and He is in me. He rubs off on me.

I am learning that anything that tries to steal away my heart's position of rest in the Father's love is not worth it. anything that attempts to steal my gaze from Jesus is not worth it. anytime I feel myself becoming anxious and worried and stressed, I've traced it to my heart jumping from its place of rest in the Father and getting carried away with the cares of my world. yes, I have responsibilities and jobs that I need and want to carry out to the best of my ability. but if I'm getting too caught up in the responsibility and the rush and chaos to the point where my sight of Him gets lost in the smoke and haze, I must be intentional to fight for my right as a child of God to simply rest in Him and His presence. I get to have access to the heart of God and for Him to know me deeply and I will guard and protect my time to spend with the Lover of my soul.

I am learning how to love people, and learning that it doesn't look like anything I thought it did.

//

here's to 2016. I'm trembling with excitement.

21

I turned 21 last month.

It's amazing how much can change within a year. My heart, my perspective, my life. My last year was characterized by a spiritual restlessness that went beyond simply wanting a new job or new environment or a general physical change - I wanted to see my calling take flight, no matter where or what that meant. Observing where I was at the beginning of my 20th year and now, a fresh 21st year - the Lord has been gentle, patient, and faithful in His probings of my heart. So many new lessons, so many new revelations. And these are just a few.

6 Questions I'm Tired of Answering Because I'm Adopted

Before I begin, I want to preface this post by saying, everyone's experience with adoption is different, whether you're an adoptive parent, adopted kid, the friend of the parent/kid. There's no cookie-cutter, a-b-c formula to figuring out adoptive families. Every adopted kid has their own interpretation of their story; some are good, some are traumatic. Adoptive parents each have their own reasons for pursuing it. This isn't meant to be a trigger. If anything, I'm simply sharing a little of my personal story in hopes that it sheds light on some of the many questions adopted people face on a regular basis, and better ways of approaching the issue as a whole.

My experience with adoption hasn't been a topic that I've written about before, neither privately or publicly. It's close to my heart, but difficult to discuss since there's so many uninformed stereotypes and opinions to wade through before getting to the heart of the conversation. But there's a first for everything, I guess, so here goes.

God With Us

do you ever just think about Jesus living here on earth?

I think sometimes we tend to think that Jesus just bounced from one miracle to another and everyday was a Bible story. but His ministry lasted three years and the Gospels don't actually cover that much.

so imagine all those ordinary days.

He probably had favorite foods and morning routines and sore dirty feet from walking while sweat ran into His eyes in the hot Judean sun and He got blisters and hiccups and migraines and pimples and maybe He snored.

all the times He laughed till He cried. I bet He had inside jokes with His disciples. imagine having an inside joke with the Person who invented laughing in the first place.

and He had human skills. He knew how to build a house and cook and wash His clothes and read.

passing food at the dinner table and bumping hands with Jesus.

maybe some nights a disciple had insomnia and he climbed out of his bedroll to find Jesus sitting against a rock, looking up at Heaven, and they watched the stars together.

(the God of the universe looking up through short-sighted eyes at His creation, and the disciple wants so badly to ask what it was like to shape each star, but he looks at those calloused human hands and something in him trembles.)

do you think the ordinary days so far outnumbered the miraculous ones that the disciples, sometimes, almost forgot?

and then He goes and turns water into wine and feeds five thousand people from a kid's lunch and brings dead Lazarus walking alive out of the tomb and they just kind of lose their breath.

not because they didn't expect deity to accomplish the impossible, but because this God has been living with them.

it's not the miracles that are unthinkable.

She Reads Truth

A photo posted by Rebeka Fry (@rebekafry) on Jan 26, 2015 at 6:16am PST

Before 2014 ended, I already wanted to commit the new year to growing in my love, passion, and thirst for the word of God. I've always been a bit lethargic about consistently reading and meditating on Scripture, and knew this wouldn't be the easiest goal for me to accomplish on my own.

Enter the @shereadstruth app. I never thought I'd become a fan of reading the Bible on my phone, but this app makes it ridiculously easy. All the different devotionals and reading plans offer various areas of focus and encouragement. (I've been enjoying the #365daysoftruth plan and the mini #hymnsII devotional series so far.) It offers understandable translations, making it easier to simply focus on the words and meaning of Scripture, and to cross-reference with other versions.

Here's to a new year of growing in grace and the knowledge of my Lord, my Love. 

15 for 15: Learned & Learning

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Dear 2014,

You went by quickly. Everyone says that at the end of each year, but this was the first time I knew what it felt like.

I have to be honest, I won't miss you terribly. You were suffocating, stressful, confusing, and lonely. I had never cried so much before in my life till you came around. You taught me lessons that, in a perfect world, no one would have to learn. You kicked my butt, and seemed to enjoy it at times. You were, officially, the worst year of my 20 year old life.

But time outran and beat you.

Hello, 2015. You fresh, white, clean, beautiful new year. I made it. I'm here. Just a young woman who's tired of being tired. Hungry, but scared. A dreamer, but a control freak. A heart with such a capacity to love to loss so hard, it scares itself and backs away at the opportunity. I don't know what you got up your sleeve, but I think we're going to be friends.

Leaving the old behind . . .

1. I experienced darkness of the soul like never before at the beginning of 2014. After the torrent passed, my eyes were opened more clearly to see and truly feel the pain of others. It taught me to be a listener rather than an answer or explanation, and showed me the beauty, tenacity, and strength of the human spirit.

2. I grew up in church my whole life, and consequently was taught that certain thoughts and feelings were sinful and to be left alone, avoided, stuffed down. I never really agreed with that, and last year I indulged myself with the freedom to think, feel, and live every human emotion in all it's color. All the ugly ones. Suicide. Hate. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Jealousy. Desire. I would rather be a Christian who allows herself to experience the muck of life completely and fully, but turns away, repents where needed, and seeks shelter under the Shadow with a whole heart, than one who denies out of fear that certain mindsets, emotional patterns, and mental disturbances are not relevant to the human experience in the name of religion, tradition, "well, they can snap out of it."

3. I started the weekly tradition of taking myself out somewhere I genuinely enjoy being. Local coffee shops and cafés, parks, used bookstores. It gives my brain room to breathe from the hum-drum of everyday life. I enjoy being by myself, and have learned more about my tastes and preferences regarding the most important things of life: food, literature, and the type of company I aspire to keep when invited out with others.

4. Saying no will not kill you. No to a toxic relationship, a job that makes you feel less than what you are, a community that tries to force you into a mold you don't fit into, to going out with friends because you really need a night to yourself. Life is too short to not take charge of it every now and then.

5. I found my "signature" beauty product brand and I feel like all those classic glamorous women of the golden age who always had their iconic product or perfume - Givenchy, Chanel, Esteé Lauder, Marc Jacobs. Except I'm poor, so I settle for Fresh products and Target-distributed body spray.

6. I discovered so much new, beautiful music. Next to writing, music is my second favorite medium of communicating to and with others. If you have access to my playlists, you have access to my life story and heart (naturally, there's only, like, three people who fit this category). Favorite artist I came across was, hands down, Broods. Synthy, solid beats with imaginative but relatable lyrics and beautiful melodies - this is 100%.

7. It's okay to make your own family. Sometimes the people who genuinely hear what you have to say and care for you aren't the ones you live with.

8. I took a year off college for all of 2014. It was not in the playbook, but it was exactly what I needed. I was able to focus on my heart and health, instead of schedules and deadlines and "the future." Probably one of the best decisions of my life.

9. I got to see both my out-of-state best friends in the same year. Didn't mind it one bit.

10. I went to Peru for the second time. The missions team was much smaller than my first trip, and it was the best week of my year. Every day, something happened that let me know I was exactly where I needed to be, whether it was in personal prayer, something a team member would say, or what the Lord did in ministry on the street that day. I had never felt so at home.

11. I started volunteering with a local anti-trafficking organization, North Star Initiative. Their vision is to build the first rescue home in the Lancaster County region for women who have been used and abused, and restore them to their full physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual potential. I was able to network with others passionate about the same cause, attend informative events and conferences with the leadership, and even helped out with a photoshoot to publicize their t-shirts.

12. I figured out that part of being an adult is being confidant enough to not feel you have to explain yourself to everyone who asks about your life. You don't have to air your secrets and dreams to the first person who asks, partially because you need to keep some of them for yourself, and partially because that person probably doesn't really care, they're just nosey and bored.

13. At the same time, being an adult is knowing what parts of life are worth your opinion and comment than others. World issues, philosophical debates, theological divides, political stands - know what you believe, stay open-minded, but don't feel the need to answer every in-and-out of a discussion. It's okay to cause waves, to make people uncomfortable, and to genuinely not know what you think about certain things.

14. I decided I want to always be able to work for my life. Not just in the sense of earning a paycheck, but to know that I struggled with pain and came out on top. I didn't shy away from hard questions and decisions. I took risks. I earned the respect I received based on how I respected and loved those around me. I want to sink into my bed every night and feel the quiet glow of satisfaction that I did, in fact, fight for the day, made the most of every moment, intentionally chose to make my life my own. I hope to never settle into an entitled mindset, feeling like I deserve every good thing that comes my way. The only thing in life you will ever deserve is to love and be loved. Anything beyond that is what you make of it.

15. And through it all, He was good to me. My Lord, my Love, my God. He was faithful, truthful, comforting, gentle, my Rescuer, my Sustainer. He fought for me when I hadn't an ounce of strength left. He kept probing, creating, molding, breathing new life into my dry, cracked little heart. I do not lie when I say I would not be standing at the beginning of a new year, had it not been for the hope of Himself. His presence. His hand. He is good, he is faithful, and I am His and He is mine.

Here's to a fresh start. A new year filled with life, love, and Light.

An Open Inquiry to the Spiritually Intellectual

Hey, mr./ms. theologian,

regardless what you've been told
it's okay to stand speechless, in awe.
it's okay if you can't capture every intricacy & complexity of His infiniteness.
it's okay if you can't see past the horizon of His timelessness.

it's like trying to empty the ocean with a tin cup.
good luck.

take your head out of the books and go gaze at the sunrise.
go stand before the Grand Canyon and let your heart rise in praise.

between you and God, your lack of words
say much more
than your carefully crafted doctrinal statements.

I often wonder how Thomas felt when he realized the One who breathes
stars to life
stood before him?
I'm sure he wasn't pondering propitiation or predestination.
every fiber of his being was collectively composing a divine chorus
too complex for words,
a pleasing fragrance of sweet incense,
like birds floating on the thermal updrafts of his heart.

this is our reality:
two-thirds of the world's Christian population will never have access
to that systematic theology.

I don't condone the abandonment of intellectualism,
but we can't allow it to paralyze our hearts.
let's pursue Christ as He intended from the start:

all your heart
all your soul
all your strength
and with
all your mind
and love your neighbor
as yourself.

so, forgive me for the blunt asking, but:

is your heart and soul pursuing Christ with the
same intensity
as your brain?

Sabbath Season

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Sabbath. Shabbat. To rest. Breath in/out. Sit. Quiet your inner chaos. Be still.

After over a year of hard warfare and battle, I am grateful for this season of calm.

He knows what we need before we ask. He is good, He is good, He is good.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and lean from me,

for I am gentle and meek in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

[Matt. 11:28-30]

All Things New

Hebrews 11 has been a meditation piece of mine for the past week or so. It's one of the more iconic passages of Scripture; pastors love to teach on it, pointing out all the amazing heroes of the faith, tying them into the beginning of the following chapter, to the "great cloud of witnesses" who are cheering us on as we run our race.

I think basically everyone who ever reads that passage gets caught up in thinking, "wow, these people really had their life together. I'm supposed to live up to that?" I've thought that too until just recently.

It's interesting . . . if you know the original stories of the people found in that chapter, you know it actually wasn't all that spiritual and holy and righteous as Hebrews 11 makes it sound. Take, for example, what it has to say about Sarah.

"By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised." (vs. 11)

"Judged Him faithful"? Sarah laughed in denial at the promise, from what I remember (Gen. 18:1-15).

Or what about Moses?

"By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible." (vs. 27)

Um, Moses fled Egypt because he was afraid. He had just murdered a slave driver and once word spread of the crime, he fled for his life to the desert (Ex. 2:11-15).

And one more example for good measure - the children of Israel.

"By faith they passed through the Red Sea as by dry land, whereas the Egyptians, attempting to do so, were drowned." (vs. 29)

When they discovered the Egyptians had tracked them down and they were caught at the sea, the Israelites were freaking mad, right? They accused Moses of purposely leading them to their death, and gave into despair and fear (Ex. 14:10-12).

The dichotomies between the real-life accounts versus the stories told in this chapter of faith make me wonder that, perhaps God thinks of and remembers our stories differently from what we feel and think while we're going through the banality of life?

Maybe in the midst of the despair and hard questioning - He keeps track of the fact that you still directed your questions to Him even though you didn't understand, not your doubtful thoughts.

Maybe in the midst of the sin and shame - He remembers that you still had the boldness to look to His face and seek out His mercy and forgiveness, once again.

Maybe, when you're kicking and screaming in the fight of surrender, He might be chuckling to Himself, too excited to see your face once He's calmed you down long enough to see and receive a greater treasure He can't wait to delight you with.

Or when you're in the thick of spiritual warfare and you're so numb, you just end up standing there, not having another ounce of strength left to keep going? Maybe He just likes the fact that you recognize you're weak, unlike you, badgering yourself about being weak in the first place.

Anything viewed from an earthly perspective can look and feel pretty bleak. We give in to worry, doubt, fear, temptation, addictions. We get angry for no reason. We get frustrated with our inability to figure things out on our own. We get impatient and sometimes make stupid decisions. We careen around in life, and when we finally chill out long enough to see what is going on around us, our eyes open to just how self-destructively we can handle ourselves. We wonder how in the world God can turn our stories around, how exactly He plans to complete the good work He's already begun.

Thankfully, God operates from a heavenly perspective, and sees us in a complete opposite light than how we view ourselves. He is our Father, and delights in calling you His child and treating you as such. He is creating, probing, molding. He doesn't give up on you. He doesn't get discouraged by our humanity.

No matter the circumstance, in the midst of the weird confusion - we can rest ourselves in the fact that He's up to something good. All He calls us to do is love and live in Him. The rest is in His court. He is faithful, He is good, and He can be trusted. He is making all things new.

Complimenting the Underneath

1. You're inspiring.
2. I like your voice.
3. You're strong.
4. Your ideas and beliefs matter.
5. I'm so happy you're alive.
6. You have important things to say and you deserve to be listened to.
7. You have a kind heart.
8. You make me feel at ease with myself.
9. You're down to earth. 
10. You are a deep soul.
11. You're refreshing.
12. Our conversations bring me joy.
13. Thank you for caring so much.
14. You have an understanding heart.
15. You matter to me.
16. You're intelligent.
17. Your passion is contagious. 
19. You're humble and confident. 
20. You're creative.
21. You're so talented at ________.
22. I don't get tired of being around you the way I get tired of being around other people.
23. You have great taste in ________.
24. You're so good at loving people. Thank you for loving me.

There's more to a person than their cool glasses or hairdo.