Before I begin, I want to preface this post by saying, everyone's experience with adoption is different, whether you're an adoptive parent, adopted kid, the friend of the parent/kid. There's no cookie-cutter, a-b-c formula to figuring out adoptive families. Every adopted kid has their own interpretation of their story; some are good, some are traumatic. Adoptive parents each have their own reasons for pursuing it. This isn't meant to be a trigger. If anything, I'm simply sharing a little of my personal story in hopes that it sheds light on some of the many questions adopted people face on a regular basis, and better ways of approaching the issue as a whole.
My experience with adoption hasn't been a topic that I've written about before, neither privately or publicly. It's close to my heart, but difficult to discuss since there's so many uninformed stereotypes and opinions to wade through before getting to the heart of the conversation. But there's a first for everything, I guess, so here goes.
I was adopted from Kolkata, India, at 10 months old. I don't have much of a back story, other than that I was 2 lbs. when I was born. I have two siblings, a brother who is biological, and a sister who is also adopted (from Honduras). My parents provided me with the most loving, stable, secure home they knew to provide; any complex I've had about my "real family" was projected on me by others' genuine and sometimes genuinely ignorant questions. All my life, I've been questioned about my thoughts regarding adoption and its effects; when I was younger, it didn't bother me as much. I was still figuring it out and some of them simply confused me. As an adult, however, I've become much more impatient with some of the insensitive things people seem to think are okay to ask, so I decided to answer a few of them here, once and for all.
1. Did your parents plan to adopt you/were they missionaries/involved with international business/could they not have kids naturally?
Before they were married, my parents knew they were called to adopt. They had my older brother, and after that, they attempted international adoption a total of 6 times, with my sister and I being the success stories. When I think of that, I'm always amazed at the endurance, patience, and perseverance my parents had. Adoption is hard; lots of paperwork, legal red tape, more paperwork, more red tape, the teasing of your heart strings, impatience, more paperwork, impatience. And then more paperwork. Some of the things my parents went through with the other children they tried to bring home were extremely difficult (one involved a scam, another, an incorrect medical record). Knowing my parents kept on in the face of adversity and hardship to fulfill what they knew the Lord had placed on their hearts - it gives me peace and security, not in my parents, but in my God, knowing He was directing and orchestrating every heartbreak and fall-out to make sure I ended up in the right nest. Even my adoption story has a couple twists of its own. He is sovereign and He is good.
2. What is it like living with people who aren't your real parents/family?
This one confuses me. I think it's fair to say that every person has experienced the search for home and family. If growing up with their biological parents is the standard for familial security, what excuse do they have? What about the kids who grow up in abusive or rigid or distant homes? Is that true family? Yes, adopted children might struggle with it differently, but the search for home is a universal journey that is not limited to the family you were brought up in or the country of your birth.
Like I said above, I don't have much information to why I'm not still with my birth family, so even if I wanted to piece together an image of that life, I can't. Sometimes I miss them a lot, even though I don't know them. I have copious amounts of love and respect for my birth mother. If anything, I just wish I could hug her and let her know I've been fine, that her sacrifice was worth it. And I pray for them every day and deeply hope someone has told them about Jesus; just because I won't meet them on earth doesn't mean I can't meet them in eternity.
But until that happens, I'm quite at home living with my parents. They have loved me unconditionally, taught and raised me, cared and provided for me, supported me, accepted, forgiven, and guided me, and whatever other elements of parenting and family life I'm forgetting. And not just my parents; my grandparents are two of my favorite people in the world. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - from the time I was a baby, they were all inviting and including of me into the family. It's certainly not perfect and sometimes I question why I ended up in this particular family, but it's the only family I've ever known and I love them all dearly. Just because you're not from the same gene pool doesn't mean you can't have an unbreakable bond.
3. Do you want to adopt your own kids?
No.
Adoption is a calling, not a chain-link reaction. It's not charity, it's not another clinical alternative to infertility. To be called to model the spirit of reconciliation and adoption that the Father has towards us is a sacred and holy gift and is not to be taken lightly. I will always be passionate about adoption and adoption education, but I don't personally feel called to make a family in that way. Doesn't mean that won't change 10 years down the road, but for now, I don't see that happening.
4. Do you consider yourself Indian or American?
American, for sure. I've grown up here my whole life, I'm 100% Westernized. That's not to say I don't know anything about Indian culture; when I was younger, we had many friends who were from India, and they all took the time to invest in my appreciation for Indian history and heritage, culture, cuisine, and language. From 8th grade, I took it upon myself to learn Hindi, and I can hold a basic conversation with it. I haven't been back to India yet, but I hope to visit within the next three years. India will always hold a dear place in my heart, but I don't feel close enough to call it home.
5. Why do you think some adopted kids are more insecure and others aren't?
Honestly, I don't know. My knee-jerk reaction is to say it has to do with how the parents understand adoption for themselves and how they raise their children, but that doesn't hold much weight in my family; my sister and I grew up with the same love, security, and safety that my parents gave, but she struggled much more with the psychological and emotional implications of adoption than I ever have. Every adopted kid has their own way of interpreting the trauma and separation anxiety, no matter their external family environment. Yes, parents do play a large role in supporting and helping their child process the questions, anger, loneliness, and feelings of displacement, but a lot of it is up to the child him/herself.
6. and the last one . . . Do you plan on marrying an Indian or American/white man?
I always have to consciously remind myself to breathe after this one. [breathe, Rebeka.] I've gotten this question several times and it is unacceptably rude, ignorant, and racist.
People still make such an issue out of bi-racial marriage, but they forget that America is the only country where mixed race makes you a "purebred" national. To be American is to be bi-racial, whether you like to think of it that way or not. The only Americans I have met who were purely from one race were those who immigrated from their home country. My mom, for example, has a mix of German, French, and Canadian in her line. My dad has German and Dutch. Another friend of mine is Philippine, Australian, Thai, and Greek. Just because your skin tone classifies you as Caucasian doesn't mean you're exempt from mutt status.
I think I should stop while I'm ahead on that one.
Again, every adoption and circumstance is different, but within the ins and outs of each unique story, there's a common thread - a commitment to extending love, home, and family to someone in a socially unconventional way. I'm proud of and thankful for my parents, who took risks and prayed and persisted and waited and welcomed me into their lives. Adoptive love is an earthly demonstration of the love God has for His children. We were all strangers to our Father, yet He called and chose us, and we have now been accepted into the Heavenly Kingdom and family of God.
Adoptive families aren't perfect, but they're beautiful.
My experience with adoption hasn't been a topic that I've written about before, neither privately or publicly. It's close to my heart, but difficult to discuss since there's so many uninformed stereotypes and opinions to wade through before getting to the heart of the conversation. But there's a first for everything, I guess, so here goes.
I was adopted from Kolkata, India, at 10 months old. I don't have much of a back story, other than that I was 2 lbs. when I was born. I have two siblings, a brother who is biological, and a sister who is also adopted (from Honduras). My parents provided me with the most loving, stable, secure home they knew to provide; any complex I've had about my "real family" was projected on me by others' genuine and sometimes genuinely ignorant questions. All my life, I've been questioned about my thoughts regarding adoption and its effects; when I was younger, it didn't bother me as much. I was still figuring it out and some of them simply confused me. As an adult, however, I've become much more impatient with some of the insensitive things people seem to think are okay to ask, so I decided to answer a few of them here, once and for all.
1. Did your parents plan to adopt you/were they missionaries/involved with international business/could they not have kids naturally?
Before they were married, my parents knew they were called to adopt. They had my older brother, and after that, they attempted international adoption a total of 6 times, with my sister and I being the success stories. When I think of that, I'm always amazed at the endurance, patience, and perseverance my parents had. Adoption is hard; lots of paperwork, legal red tape, more paperwork, more red tape, the teasing of your heart strings, impatience, more paperwork, impatience. And then more paperwork. Some of the things my parents went through with the other children they tried to bring home were extremely difficult (one involved a scam, another, an incorrect medical record). Knowing my parents kept on in the face of adversity and hardship to fulfill what they knew the Lord had placed on their hearts - it gives me peace and security, not in my parents, but in my God, knowing He was directing and orchestrating every heartbreak and fall-out to make sure I ended up in the right nest. Even my adoption story has a couple twists of its own. He is sovereign and He is good.
2. What is it like living with people who aren't your real parents/family?
This one confuses me. I think it's fair to say that every person has experienced the search for home and family. If growing up with their biological parents is the standard for familial security, what excuse do they have? What about the kids who grow up in abusive or rigid or distant homes? Is that true family? Yes, adopted children might struggle with it differently, but the search for home is a universal journey that is not limited to the family you were brought up in or the country of your birth.
Like I said above, I don't have much information to why I'm not still with my birth family, so even if I wanted to piece together an image of that life, I can't. Sometimes I miss them a lot, even though I don't know them. I have copious amounts of love and respect for my birth mother. If anything, I just wish I could hug her and let her know I've been fine, that her sacrifice was worth it. And I pray for them every day and deeply hope someone has told them about Jesus; just because I won't meet them on earth doesn't mean I can't meet them in eternity.
But until that happens, I'm quite at home living with my parents. They have loved me unconditionally, taught and raised me, cared and provided for me, supported me, accepted, forgiven, and guided me, and whatever other elements of parenting and family life I'm forgetting. And not just my parents; my grandparents are two of my favorite people in the world. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - from the time I was a baby, they were all inviting and including of me into the family. It's certainly not perfect and sometimes I question why I ended up in this particular family, but it's the only family I've ever known and I love them all dearly. Just because you're not from the same gene pool doesn't mean you can't have an unbreakable bond.
3. Do you want to adopt your own kids?
No.
Adoption is a calling, not a chain-link reaction. It's not charity, it's not another clinical alternative to infertility. To be called to model the spirit of reconciliation and adoption that the Father has towards us is a sacred and holy gift and is not to be taken lightly. I will always be passionate about adoption and adoption education, but I don't personally feel called to make a family in that way. Doesn't mean that won't change 10 years down the road, but for now, I don't see that happening.
4. Do you consider yourself Indian or American?
American, for sure. I've grown up here my whole life, I'm 100% Westernized. That's not to say I don't know anything about Indian culture; when I was younger, we had many friends who were from India, and they all took the time to invest in my appreciation for Indian history and heritage, culture, cuisine, and language. From 8th grade, I took it upon myself to learn Hindi, and I can hold a basic conversation with it. I haven't been back to India yet, but I hope to visit within the next three years. India will always hold a dear place in my heart, but I don't feel close enough to call it home.
5. Why do you think some adopted kids are more insecure and others aren't?
Honestly, I don't know. My knee-jerk reaction is to say it has to do with how the parents understand adoption for themselves and how they raise their children, but that doesn't hold much weight in my family; my sister and I grew up with the same love, security, and safety that my parents gave, but she struggled much more with the psychological and emotional implications of adoption than I ever have. Every adopted kid has their own way of interpreting the trauma and separation anxiety, no matter their external family environment. Yes, parents do play a large role in supporting and helping their child process the questions, anger, loneliness, and feelings of displacement, but a lot of it is up to the child him/herself.
6. and the last one . . . Do you plan on marrying an Indian or American/white man?
I always have to consciously remind myself to breathe after this one. [breathe, Rebeka.] I've gotten this question several times and it is unacceptably rude, ignorant, and racist.
People still make such an issue out of bi-racial marriage, but they forget that America is the only country where mixed race makes you a "purebred" national. To be American is to be bi-racial, whether you like to think of it that way or not. The only Americans I have met who were purely from one race were those who immigrated from their home country. My mom, for example, has a mix of German, French, and Canadian in her line. My dad has German and Dutch. Another friend of mine is Philippine, Australian, Thai, and Greek. Just because your skin tone classifies you as Caucasian doesn't mean you're exempt from mutt status.
I think I should stop while I'm ahead on that one.
Again, every adoption and circumstance is different, but within the ins and outs of each unique story, there's a common thread - a commitment to extending love, home, and family to someone in a socially unconventional way. I'm proud of and thankful for my parents, who took risks and prayed and persisted and waited and welcomed me into their lives. Adoptive love is an earthly demonstration of the love God has for His children. We were all strangers to our Father, yet He called and chose us, and we have now been accepted into the Heavenly Kingdom and family of God.
Adoptive families aren't perfect, but they're beautiful.
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